Let me say this first, before we dip into the 3 Part Series, mostly from bygone eras, about Southern Funerals. There is nothing funny about Dying. Grief is Real. Loss is a heavy heart burden on the soul; and I respect the solemn occasion of the Passing of Loved Ones.

However: There’s this, Southerners don’t like to say, ‘Goodbye’. And, there are funny things about how our Southern Mothers handle the Passings, the Funerals and the Goodbyes. A Passing is not just a time for mourning, it’s a logistical feat worthy of only three occasions, when a community is spurred into action at this level- Weddings, Christenings and of course, Funerals.

I’m gonna talk ‘southern’ to you for a minute, before I get carried away here.. Southerners will do or say almost anything rather than say ‘Goodbye’. I’m trying to tell you something you may not know. A lot of us, have a superstitious streak and saying ‘goodbye’ is just one of those unlucky things we try to avoid. I end these missives with ‘Love y’all’ – it just seems nicer than ‘That’s All She Wrote.’

If you get me started on the Passings or Funerals. Let’s just say, we have an aversion to sayin’.. ‘He died.’ No, we say, ‘She passed away’ or ‘we lost him’ .. or ‘now that Grandmama’s gone.’ Or- ‘Can you believe it’s been 10 years since Daddy left us?’ It’s confusing, though, Please Don’t Ask- ‘Where did you lose him?’ or ‘why did he leave’ Why? It might provoke a Sinking Spell or worse. One cookbook I have- has a section on Funeral Food– it includes, not one but two recipes for Sinking Spells. Yes, it’s a thing.

We try to find the most ‘delicate’ ways to avoid saying the actual word – Death. There are many ways southerners avoid saying ‘Goodbye’. Whether it’s going home, or to the grave. It’s just so final, you know.

There’s a Social Etiquette, The Rules, the Protocols. I won’t be covering All of these in the upcoming- 3 Part Series. These Protocols are expected to be Enforced with Precision. The Obituary, the Preparations at the Funeral Home, the Final Resting Place. There are always ‘debates and debacles’. Rich Traditions, including the discreet or indiscreet Sympathy Line at the Funeral Home.

‘Where will we sit that special chair for Mama to sit in? You know her ankles swell, and it’s just not fitting for her to stand, in the state she’s in.’ Someone has to be in charge, when we are experiencing these heavy transitions- From the Obituary, Sign In Book, to the whispered conversations, the Viewing, the Fashion Protocols.. let’s Dip in:

“Did you hear? gasp ‘I didn’t’.

Who will be making the arrangements? ‘The service will be held in the old Sanctuary- it was her favorite; with Church Fans. ‘Thank you, Lord.’ *that’s a prayer. The Air Conditioning hasn’t worked since 1984.’ The arrangements will be conducted by the Piney Grove Funeral Home, with Interment in the Founding Members section of the Piney Grove Cemetery.

The Obituary? Oh, I heard her best friend wrote it. She was a columnist years ago, in the Piney Grove Social Section. Famous for her sign off- ‘A Good Time was had by All.’ *surely she won’t add that. Someone said the obituary, ‘will be just like her. Of course, she wanted her final photo to be of her- wearing her Head Majorette Uniform.’ *did I hear a hiss?

‘Well, we All know she dressed like a Dream. Always looked like she stepped right out of a bandbox, but really?’ (voice goes up two octaves) And, why would they say? ‘She enjoyed shopping at Bargain Town U.S.A.’ sigh.. ‘Much less add – she was a strong advocate for Literacy in this county. She even drove the Bookmobile every Thursday for a while.’ *You take major risks with the Obituary Writer.

Then, there are the Pearls and Fashion Choices. Before the first tear falls, the wardrobes must be curated. The Waterproof Mascara that actually works must be bought. And, wouldn’t you know? The first thing you see are the Twins. The twins are older than Grist Mills over the mountain. They decided, of all things, to wear ‘Ivory Silk’ dresses. They always dress alike. Though, really? To a funeral in October, of all things! No, the women’s attire must be heavily starched Black Linen Dresses at a Decent Length. Pearls. Hats are allowed, just make sure yours isn’t so big, that No One can see the Choir Loft because of your Hat!

Dressing the Corpse. There is a major exception to wearing Black. The corpse may wear whatever was her favorite color, though, not Black. And make sure, the color won’t make her look wan and pale under those harsh lights of the funeral parlor, which can cast an unnatural pallor, plus, the lipstick choices must be chosen carefully too.

There’s a thin line between Tacky or Tasteful especially Funeral Tasteful or Funeral Tacky. *I wrote a 3-part series on Tacky or Tasteful fashion choices, several years ago.

Listen in again: ‘I heard her hairdresser of decades will be fixing her hair. No, it won’t be the latest style she wore. She asked for that Pompadour Sweep Over she wore years ago. You know, she was always so self conscious about her height. Still, I hope she will look Natural.’ *They secretly hope she hasn’t asked to wear that fake leopard muff to conceal her hands, folks worry about the hands. ‘Well, it’s better than Earlene Odene telling everybody who would listen- she wanted to wear one of those pretty negligees, Buck had given her through the years’. ‘She’s not Dead, she’s just Sleeping.’ was her motto. They will probably add that to her Tombstone.

If Big Momma isn’t leaving us; it’s the Men we have to worry about. Their Fashion Choices. We make an exception for the menfolks in attendance- Heavy Starched Overalls and his Best Sunday Shirt are acceptable, in some cases. *Maybe he attended Lone Wolf Lake Chapel. Though, wearing that-as a corpse?

Take- PawPaw. He had his ways. The Rules say- his attire must not conflict with the casket. Would he prefer his best Sunday Suit? Or- will they let him wear his Fishing Vest and Plaid Shirt, so St. Peter will recognize him. PawPaw had always said, ‘St. Peter was a fisherman, I don’t think he would mind when he sees me in my fishing vest, at the Pearly Gates.’

The Ultimate Test of Character in a Southern family, is the dividing of the spoils. Watch out for the Sisters and the Aunts while you’re making the arrangements at the funeral home. Make sure, no one, including- Mary Beth, with her sweet face and sweeter smile, hasn’t started dividing up the Jewelry of the Deceased before the cemetery plot is even dug. There’s always at least one who has been eyeing the Cocktail Rings, the Pearls, the Jewels right in the presence of the deceased, for heavens sake! You might hear a whisper. ‘You know, Gertrude always wanted Me to have the emeralds..’ Ruth Ann, pipes up- ‘Well, she promised me those South Sea Pearls, Arnold gave them to her, when he got back from the South Pacific.’

Then, there’s the grandchildren, nieces and nephews. Insisting to anyone who will listen, ‘You know I was her favorite.’ Entirely unaware that Big Momma told every single blood relative, not to mention the ones she claimed kin to– They were her ‘favorite’ just to keep the peace and make sure the grass was cut!

There are two types of Matriarchs that make sure Funeral Protocols are done, and done right- The uppity but precise- Mary Maude Morton, and the cold stone Freesia Faye Butler. Both are in the historical society, some call it the ‘hysterical society.’ They both serve on the Cemetery Committee.

And there’s this: No matter how caring, compassionate and careful Piney Grove Funeral Home is- If either Mary Maude Morton or Freesia Faye Butler, objects-The County Coroner and the State Records and Certificates have been told in no uncertain terms that ‘unless’ Miss Morton or Miss Butler file a written notice that the Proper Protocol has been followed- ‘Do Not. I repeat Do Not issue a Death Certificate.’

That means no one is leaving or passing over the Jordan River, if you get my drift, until Mary Maude or Freesia Faye are satisfied.

There is More to Passing, Protocols and the Pearls. Though, your patience may be wearing thin. So, I want to make sure you know that- Next up is the Three Part Series- Flowers, Food and the Restorative Cocktail.

Love y’all, Brenda

I would add that Writing Humor is one of more than a dozen Writing Techniques I teach, in ‘Writing Content with Confidence’ . Why teach that many? Well, it’s to help you find your Voice.

The Writing Sanctuary is my favorite part of this course. It’s a weekly, private chat group. There is no Zoom, no cameras, no recordings, no mandatory attendance. A Gathering around a Writing Prompt. *enrollees in the course, automatically have a seat!

I’ve been told that the Writing Sanctuary is worth the price of the whole course, which is $97 USD. I am in there weekly, along with others. Even seasoned writers enjoy this group! Thank you again for being here!