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Bathing Suits…

IMG_2498I’ve put this off for 7 years. I don’t believe in jumping in headfirst. I stuck my toe in the water yesterday-  it’s almost Open Toe Season in Alabama- I went and got a pedicure, with red polish- of course. The classic summer toenail color in the South is red,  I chose ‘Big Apple’ because truth be told I’d rather be headed to New York City than on a Beach trip where I’ll actually be expected to go in the water. Oh lord, those are scary words. Shopping for a Bathing Suit is painful, especially for a woman of a certain age and stature.  My whole demeanor, posture and bearing change in a dressing room full of bathing suits. Let me make this clear- I live in Alabama, her coastline is one of the most beautiful in all the world- I’ve been going to the beach since I was a child and love it.

However, I stopped wearing Two Piece numbers a good many years ago- they weren’t for swimming anyway. Two Piece Suits are reserved for laying out. A traumatic experience with a Two Piece happened when I was 13 years old taught me a hard lesson. Now, I was never allowed to wear Bikinis- I carried that rule into adulthood- you know the old ‘Don’t look trashy, much less act trashy’ rule, the older I got the more I liked the rule. A Two Piece is different than a Bikini, apparently Bikinis were in the trashy category, because my mother was always looking for Bathing Suits which were:

  • Decent
  • Modest
  • Not Too Revealing.
  • Wholesome.
  • And leave Something to the Imagination, if you get my drift.

Now, take a look at my aunt, she has on a decent One Piece- she was just 4′ 11′ tall! Tiny. IMG_2529Now look at the writing on the back of one of those pictures of my Aunt Iva- she married out of the faith…and apparently started wearing bathing suits! Our Southern Mothers could be harsh when it came to Bathing Suits! IMG_2532

They adored each other and apparently got matching black suits one year.  I loved them both!

IMG_2533A decent Two Piece Bathing Suit became acceptable when Annette Funicello was transformed from a cute Mouseketeer to a wholesome Beach Beauty . So, at age 13, barely out of my Mouseketeer Ears-I had a brand new Two Piece Bathing Suit that looked remarkably like Wonder Woman’s outfit- I was emboldened by it. I was going to take it out for a swim- a Dive was more like it. I went to the club early, hardly anyone was swimming… thank goodness. Mothers of toddlers were sitting sedately by the Baby Pool, a few golfers were practicing on the Putting Green nearby- this place was no Dive, it was a nice place where nice decent people went. The pool was Olympic sized for the Swim Team (which I wasn’t on). There was a Diving Well with a Low Board and a High Dive. I put everything in it’s place with my Two Piece and climbed up the steps, then walked all the way out to the end; now, don’t think I was brave enough to actually dive, I’m afraid of heights…Let me stop right here- all of this ‘face your fears mess’ is nonsense.IMG_1397

I walked to the end of the diving board afraid to even make it spring, then I jumped off- Mid-air? The top of my Two Piece popped, slid down to my elbows, then slipped off as I entered the water! The cups were floating on top of the water!! Horrifying! I might have been able to escape notice except over by the ladder was TR – the boy who cut our grass!! He was trying out his new underwater mask, bubbling- he had gotten a full view of…oh I can’t bear to say it! Indecent, trashy, nothing left to the imagination. I surfaced at Wonder Woman speed, grabbed that Top and… I believe I still hold the Underwater Record at that club for swimming out of the diving well, around and down the full length of that Olympic size Pool and managed to get my bathing suit top back on while doing it! I didn’t look back, I struggled out of the water, walked to the dressing room, changed into decent street clothes and abandoned my swim career … forever. My decent Two Piece had turned into indecent exposure– Traumatic.  I didn’t get another decent Two Piece until I was a freshman in college- I never went in the pool or ocean when I wore it – ‘My hair, I can’t get my hair wet’ was my constant refrain. I used the Two Piece to lay out in the sun.  We don’t say sunbathe in the South. We work on a Tan. We lay out in the sun. There are two types of ‘laying out’ in the South…

  • there is the acceptable- ‘laying out in the sun’
  • and the unacceptable ‘laying out all night.’

I love the sun- I love the ocean, I love the beach, I still love laying out by the pool. And let me just say here- ‘Ah ad-mire’ women who rebel against their mommas and wear Bikinis- I never cultivated that kind of confidence! I wore bathing suits, even Two Piece bathing suits over the years when I was young but I didn’t swim, I laid out. When my children were young, I became a Southern Martyr- I was a Pack Animal while they were on the water slides or whatever thrill it was. Several years ago- I swore off Bathing Suits altogether. I decided that the Crime of wearing a Bathing Suit was worse than the Cover Up. I have walked our beloved Alabama Beaches in Cover Ups for years now- getting older has it’s perks. I told myself-

‘Ah’m not going to in-flict mah-self on the general public anymore’…

This year is different, I have to buy a Bathing Suit. Our summer vacation is an Island Vacation like 7 years ago when we went to Atlantis® in the Caribbean. That time, I tried to be a good sport, I wore a Bathing Suit, put my things in a locker so we could ride the Inner Tubes- I did not consider this to be fun, the water was freezing…but what topped it off was the sitting in a wet bathing suit eating lunch by one of their million pools- I didn’t realize I would be sharing a seat with two yellow jackets! Zzzz ! They were not amused. The yellow jackets took offense when I sat down on them. The stings were bad, I am allergic to bee stings- the Health Hut recommended Benedryl®- I’m not saying I looked like a beached whale, maybe a dolphin- but when that stuff took effect, I wasn’t just layin’ out– I was laid out, down for the count.

This year, this vacation -my family isn’t going along with the old- ‘I’ll be the pack animal, I might get stung, My hair, my hair’  excuses.  So I’m easing into the idea…I’m taking it slow, I am perusing catalogs that have Bathing Suits which cater to all figure types, I wish they would label the suits for what they are –

  • ‘When you’ve put on a little weight, Darlin’
  • Things have gone South, precious’ -or-
  •  ‘Bless your heart, holds you in, but you’re going to have trouble breathing’ style.  Better yet-
  • Decent. Not Too Revealing. Modest.

I dread dressing room mirrors- where you can see all sides. Now really, who wants to see blinding white legs, sagging knees – it’s demoralizing.  So, I’m taking this slow. It’s Open Toe Season in the South- I got my toes wet yesterday when I got a pedicure, I’m looking at catalogs with fear and trembling- I’m thinking of getting a Spray Tan before I hit the dressing room, I’m definitely going with a One Piece and I’ve ordered a full length Black Caftan- a brilliant Cover Up, don’t you think?

Oh lord, unlike most Southern tales, this one is not Part Outright Lies, Part Myth and Part Truth- this one is the Truth and nothing but… Stay tuned.

Love y’all, Camellia

*All photographs are from our family album with the exception of the opening photograph which was taken from the front of a card years ago- no known source; and the ‘diver’ which is from a vintage set of encyclopedias here at Camellia’s Cottage.

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Southern Pound Cakes…

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Deke’s Decadent Chocolate Pound Cake

 

Southern Pound Cakes are the standard bearer of civilized Southern Society. You can hold your head up high if there is a pound cake in the house, especially if you have perfected pound cakes made by your ancestors. It is considered treasonous to proclaim another person’s pound cake is better than your momma’s. The Southern obsession with good manners, genteel living and our thinly disguised ancestor worship may be summed up in the humble Southern Pound Cake. ‘This pound cake was mah momma’s recipe and her muhtha before her- why mah family’s been making pound cakes for at least 7 generations. If ah’m not badly mistaken it was one of her ancestors who brought the first pound cake over on the Mayflower or they surely would’ve starved to death!’  We can say that without shame or the benefit of DNA testing – because we know who we think we are!  We know our pound cakes are the best if our mommas made it- the crumb must be microscopically fine, the texture must be moist, tender, baked to perfection and long lasting, just look at the texture-IMG_2291

Southern Pound Cakes are high in fat content- the term ‘livin’ high on the hog’– means you have an all butter Southern Pound Cake in the house! The Southern standard of excellence in pound cake baking is to carry on the all-important tradition of being able to entertain at a moment’s notice. To have a pound cake in the freezer or to send a pound cake to any and all joyous occasions and a Southern Pound Cake for uplifting sustenance during bereavement is an inherited skill. Bake a pound cake and you’re ready for anything life throws your way.  IMG_1581

Bake a pound cake and you will hear– ‘Mah ancestral muh-thas were known to have beaus swarming from all the surroundin’ counties just to get one taste of those delectable pound cakes! Make a pound cake and men will flock around like a murder of crows!’ So, one of our closely guarded secrets is out– Men love pound cakes and will worship the women who bake them. Southern Pound Cake bakers don’t need dating advice or ancestry sites- we just need to have a third or fourth generation recipe for a Southern Pound cake! And…if you have several variations of that recipe- let’s just say…it’s very effective. Well before a Southern lady was rulin’ the world rockin’ the cradle, she was wielding a silver handled cake knife over an array of pound cakes!

We also know this to be a fact, if a Southern Belle is incapable of outrageous flirting or holding up her end of the conversation, when she sweetly says-‘Would anyone like a sl-eye-ce of pound cake?’ – all eyes will rivet toward the Belle with the silver cake server shining like new money. We southern girls invented the concept of the way to get to a man is through his stomach. My own grandmother’s pound cake recipe was delicious plain but- she had at least four killer variations!  Recently we had a birthday at Camellia’s Cottage- the birthday boy wanted a Chocolate Pound Cake with Chocolate Glaze. Months before his actual birthday, he ventured very carefully into the sensitive subject of pound cakes-

‘Now you know I think your pound cake is the best in the world but I was just wondering if you evah make a chocolate pound cake? I was actually dreamin’ of one that had a chocolate glaze on top!’ The answer was quick and sure, ‘Why yes, GiGi made chocolate pound cakes for special occasions and always gilded the lily with a chocolate glaze!’  Because of his sincerity and genteel request, Ah’ve re-named this one- Deke’s Decadent Pound Cake– that boy was proud as punch of the chocolate pound cake of his dreams!IMG_2304

Chocolate Pound Cake is one of my grandmother’s variations- another variation was:

  • GiGi’s  Coconut Pound cake. Grated Coconut was added to the batter- and always flavored with Almond Extract. After the tube pan was greased, instead of flouring the pan- the tube pan was coated heavily with finely grated coconut. This outstanding version came out of the oven with Toasty Coconut on the sides and bottom.  GiGi’s Coconut Pound cake was wonderful during the Holidays alongside Southern Orange Ambrosia.
  • Another variation to the plain Southern Pound Cake is the substitution of Lemon Extract, then finished with a Thick White Lemon Glaze; sip a glass of lemonade or a long tall iced tea with Heavenly Lemon Glazed Pound Cake
  • Still another variation was a family favorite that I’ve never found in any Southern cookbook. The batter is GiGi’s plain pound cake- along with vanilla extract, then for the killer variation- Bourbon is added to flavor the batter. Grease and flour as usual except for the bottom of the tube pan- at least a half stick of melted Salted Butter is p0ured in along with 2 cups of pecans. Don’t get any ideas that this variation is like those Yankee Sticky Buns- this is a Southern Salted Pecan Pound Cake.  A man will lay down his life for just one slice of the Salted Pecan, so ladies please don’t trifle with a man’s affections if you aren’t serious.IMG_2293

I must tell you that in civilized gatherings Strawberry Shortcake is made with Plain Southern Pound Cake, topped with lightly sugared fresh strawberries and fresh whipped cream, that’s the right way to make it. Do not use those dried out grocery store shells or  Cat Head biscuits. To use a Cat Head biscuit with sugar on top for Strawberry Shortcake is just plain laziness.

Gigi’s Plain Pound Cake has 3 sticks of salted butter creamed with 3 cups of sugar, 8 large eggs added one at a time, 1 teaspoon of vanilla and at least ½ teaspoon of almond extract. Sift together at least three times- 1 ½ cups of all purpose flour and 1 ½ cups of cake flour, then fold the flour into the butter, sugar and egg mixture- do this as lightly as you can. Do not use a mixer to do this step.The batter will be thick. Prepare a tube pan with parchment paper on the bottom, then the sides and bottom are greased with butter, then floured. Scoop the thick batter in, smooth the batter out lightly and evenly before baking  in a 325ºoven.Bake for one hour, test with a toothpick, just know that the pound cake will most likely need to be baked another 15 minutes. Let cool until cake pulls away from the sides on it’s own. Do not force the pound cake from the pan. Run a knife carefully around the tube. Remove the pound cake with the top side up. Cool completely on a wire rack.IMG_2288

It is tempting to eat a piece of hot pound cake- please note this is uncivilized, even uncouth; though eating a slice of pound cake for breakfast is an exceptional luxury. Now, you may have noticed that there is not one drop of Milk in GiGi’s recipe- butter is the only dairy product included.  My grandmother collected recipes for Sour Cream Pound Cake and Cream Cheese Pound Cake but she never veered from her own perfect Southern Pound Cake. She believed that milk or cream in any form- made a pound cake tough which tended to make the cake dry out quicker. Also, I know she suspected that a Cream Cheese Pound Cake was made by some woman who had made an unholy alliance sometime during or after that unpleasant conflict with the Yankees. Since it is a well known fact that Philadelphia is the home of American Cream Cheese…do I have to spell it out for you? Though some women insisted that their Cream Cheese came from Philadelphia Mississippi, still we aren’t going to mess with GiGi’s ancestral pound cake recipe! Though I do have to admit that I have had cream cheese and sour cream pound cakes that are exceptionally good! By now, I am sure you are completely convinced that we are crazy in Alabama- well we are crazy, we’re crazy ’bout Southern Pound Cakes in all of their glory and variations!

Deke’s Decadent Chocolate Pound Cake
Now you know those are some beautiful Southern Pound Cakes!

Love y’all, Camellia

*photographs are obviously mine! A big thank you to Deke for letting me photograph a slice of Deke’s Decadent Chocolate Pound Cake!

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Smart, Sassy and Southern…

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While the rest of the world was watching the Super Bowl, I was watching one of my favorite football movies- The Blind Side starring Alabama’s own Sandra Bullock who portrays a Smart, Sassy and Southern lady. I have known ladies just like the character she portrays. It would be a mistake to think all southern women are proper southern belles. Some are smart, sassy and frankly sensational, the kind I remember folks calling a ‘Pistol Ball’ or a ‘Spitfire’. This is the type of woman who may have grown up working at her daddy’s truck stop. Before she was 13, she insisted on adding showers, a cafeteria, a gift shop and her daddy was making a huge profit to boot- enough to buy up several other truck stops, join the Jaycees and have the local country club open their arms wide to welcome him, his money and his sweet wife. His  lovely daughter moved through that country club like a hot pink Mack truck with shiny chrome wheels, she could charm the horns off a billy goat, the kind of girl that hiked up her ballgown-chased the boys and made them cry.  A Smart, Sassy Southern girl has an uncanny ability to wear high heels, walk and chew gum at the same time. This southern girl generally errs on the flashy side of good taste, pops her gum and honks her horn at anyone who would dare get in her way. She literally invented the concept of multitasking – why by the time she’s grown and married- she can:

  • Organize the garden club by botanical assets,
  • Get all of the costumes finished in time for the holiday programs,
  • Decorate her home,
  • Practically runs her husband’s office,
  • Makes sure it doesn’t rain a drop on the Annual Bake Sale.

She wears the most stunning ball gowns, is the most outrageous flirt, dances every single dance, but when the ball is over it’s time to take off her dancing shoes and get back to work. She knows more about football than her sweet daddy, her husband and the coaches- especially if she has a son on the field! It’s a sight to behold watching her chew out the referees and leave them feeling like they’ve been charmed by a rattlesnake. And they like it- Men love Smart, Sassy Southern ladies.

  • She’s confident, doesn’t try to hide her assets and uses them to her best advantage.
  • She’s territorial.
  • She still looks online to see if some Yankee is trying to sell the family silver.
  • She rarely forgives a wrong, has a long memory and a short temper- but somehow comes off as a Sassy Southern Lady with a soft underbelly for the downtrodden and poor.
  • She has high standards and doesn’t mind imposing them on others.
  • She has an exaggerated concept of Justice, if you know what I mean.
  • She’s opinionated.
  • She uses colorful language when and if it will drive home her point in an exceptionally charming way.
  • She can drive a pickup or a Mercedes with equal ease- maneuver might be a better way for how she drives and how she lives her life.

She can play three sets of tennis in all white or tramp through the woods to kill those pesky wild boars with relish. I know, I’ve tasted the jerky she made from that wild boar, and by the way she gets so sick and tired of alligators sunning on her pier at the bay house- her morning routine is target practice. Sometimes I think her ancestors were the ones who captured and locked up poor ol’ Geronimo when he spent some time locked up in Fort Morgan, Alabama!  She loves beach music, big sunglasses, designer jeans- on the tight side of course and has a tendency to wear more gold than Fort Knox. Having her hair and nails done isn’t a luxury – it’s a necessity. Chances are she married a man who made it big in:

  • Trucking,
  • Construction,
  • Logging, Excavating or
  • has his own chain of Auto Parts Stores.
  • He might seem like a tough guy at work but at home? He simply throws up his hands and says ‘Whatever you decide to do is fine with me.’

Smart, Sassy and Southern ladies never make a serious habit of waiting on dreams to come true- they go out, takes risks and knows where life is happening. She will not be on the sidelines, unless she’s cheering the longest and loudest for her boys.

She’s the most passionate deep red Camellia in the bunch and will always be a smart, sassy southern girl through and through. I hope you meet at least one in your lifetime.

Love y’all, Camellia

The Blind Side by Warner Brothers is available through Amazon.com and other major retailers of DVD’s. The production photograph of award winning actress-Sandra Bullock in her role in the Blind Side- may be subject to copyright. the-blind-side

Photographs of red camellias which are in bloom now and are mine!   In addition to being an area where big bay houses are located-the actual Fort Morgan by Mobile Bay, Alabama was the site of many things including holding the famous American Indian Chief Geronimo for a brief period of time. *Bold Quote is taken from:

‘Never allow waiting to become a habit. Chase your dreams and take risks. Life is happening now.’ Author Unknown

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Autumn leaves…

Autumn leaves, in all their glory are among life’s most beautiful displays. Fall has nearly come and gone here, it’s been so dry, the leaves have mostly curled up and died without bothering to show much color- it’s made me melancholy. Roger Williams’ playing the classic ‘Autumn Leaves’ is a melancholy song…it’s about a man whose girlfriend has left him; its about a man who misses her; and he misses his darlin’ most of all when ..‘Autumn leaves start to fall…’ Well, I have a few tips for Roger, but first I’ll let you listen to this vintage version- Roger, darlin’ take it away…

It’s my personal opinion that if Roger Williams had ditched that Leisure Suit- his darlin’ might have stayed. She probably said ‘Roger, bless your heart- you play that piano jus’ as good as anybody ah’ve evah heard, makin’ those trills sends chills up mah spine- but darlin’ my Momma would have a hissy fit if I brought home a big strappin’ man wearin’ a wild printed shirt and a white polyestah suit! And there’s just no tellin’ what mah Daddy would do…why that polyestah would get picked faster than a bale of cotton!‘

Roger Williams went on to have a brilliant career in music, made more money than they keep in the vault at Farmers and Merchants Bank. Chet Atkins went on to play a version her daddy liked better…but lordie mercy, we southern girls do have our standards…

Love y’all, Camellia

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Don’t believe ’em…

imageBesides our glowing skin, our charming accents, the unusual way we talk and the fact that most of the time we’re cuter; what people really like about Southern Women is our Food! I mean who doesn’t like:

  •  Fried chicken, real macaroni and cheese
  • Green beans, cornbread,
  • Blackberry cobbler, sweet potato casserole
  • and our Banana pudding?

So, every once in a while I feel I should warn folks about seriously misguided phrases, so you can avoid being trapped into eating something not at all like Real Southern food! For instance, if someone says-

  • ‘I found a new recipe for fruitcake and it doesn’t even taste like fruitcake!’ – Don’t believe ’em. We don’t say that for Fried Pies, Blackberry Cobbler, Banana Pudding or Mimi’s Pound Cake! And really why would you even want to make a fruitcake that doesn’t taste like fruitcake? Only a fruitcake, if you get my drift…fruit-cake

If someone wants you to try something called ‘Southern Style’ – well, it’s a fad. If style is added after Southern- Don’t believe ’em…it’s against the truth in advertising law. We all love to be stylish but don’t mess with our food! I’m also leery if someone says- ‘ I make oven fried chicken’. No, darlin’… this is how you say it-‘Ah’m gonna fry some chicken.’  Here’s the clencher for true Southern cooking- if she has the burn marks to prove it; pulls up her sleeve- points to a place and says ‘Easter, 1998’ – and that place is ‘March 2001’.  That is physical proof of someone who can actually fry chicken- not style or oven fry chicken!

But the real term to avoid is: ‘It tastes just like…’ chickens-black-publicdomainpictures

  • No, Honey, Alligator does not taste just like Chicken- it’s  tough and chewy…not even a tom turkey is as tough as alligator! Just say- It’s alligator, try it if you dare and add that white alligator meat is better than dark.
  • Sweetheart, Frog Legs do not taste just like chicken! Someone tried to pass off Buffalo Frog Legs on me one time and I was not fooled by that Yankee for a New York minute!Fried Frog legs are common in the South and lots of people like ’em, but Faithful Frog Leg Lovers are proud to place an order for Fried Frog Legs please ma’am.
  • Bless your heart, I hope you nevah believe that Turtle tastes just like chicken– go ahead and try our high faloutin’ Turtle Soup but please don’t ever compare it to chicken!
  • No Darlin’-Rattlesnake does not taste just like chicken- I’ve been to that rodeo before…and I looked like someone gaggin’ on a maggot when I was told what I was really eating! Honestly since Eve pawned off that Apple on Adam- Southern men will go to any lengths to pass off Reptiles and Am-phib-ians as chicken! Don’t believe ’em.
  • No Precious- Soy Burgers, Emu or Buffalo steaks do not taste just like beef and believe me in a state like Alabama where cattle are raised in every single county? We do know Real Beef.
  • And Tater Tot- Turkey Bacon cannot compare to the only meat designed to produce real Bacon-Don’t believe ’em…you have to go Whole Hog to get real bacon! IMG_1387
  • Imitation or Mock Crab does not taste like Alabama Blue Crab! And while I’m at it- Don’t believe ’em if they  say Crawfish tastes like a cross between lobster or shrimp! Crawfish is a delicacy on it’s own! *please note: It is a cross we bear, but please-Southerners do not say Cray-fish! That really sticks in this Southern girl’s craw!image

Today I was amusing myself by reading one of my favorite cookbooks- Don’t even think about asking me which one, I cannot bear for cornbread to be shown such disrespect– Some woman, whose ancestors, no doubt are Carpetbaggers; was Scalawag enough to pawn off a recipe called ‘No Corn Bread’ – really!  She actually wants folks to use Cream of Wheat instead of our revered Corn Meal! I tossed the cookbook away from me in abject horror. I couldn’t believe it! Why mess with perfection?2016-03-23 13.50.11Though as I’m writing this, I have to think that the cook who submitted- No Corn Bread  must either be flush with  money or not very well liked. Some Junior Leaguer is surely grinning like a possum- that she included such an irreverent recipe in the final draft!  You might as well be warned, don’t put too much credence in food styles, any recipe that says ‘mock’ or ‘tastes just like’  are food traps! Be warned, they are out there and often passed off as Real Southern Food.- Don’t believe ’em.

Love y’all, Camellia

*note: There is an actual Rattlesnake Rodeo held  in Opp Alabama if you ever get a hankering for real rattlesnake!. We might be the only State in the Union to have one town name Opp and another called Epp! Many years ago, I had a dear friend who had travelled from her home in New England cross country- She could not believe that she passed through OOPS on one side of the state and on the other side. she passed through EEPS, yes, that’s my sweet home Alabama!

Fruitcake photo is from http://www.commons.wikimedia, Black Chickens from http://www.publicdomainpictures.net All other photographs are my own.