humor – Page 11 – Camellia's Cottage

Posted on August 21, 2017August 22, 2017 by Camellia's Cottage · 8 Comments

The Perils of Leaving Home…

vintage old car pic- jeremy 1 When Southerners leave home- they face certain perils that have to do with customs, language barriers, expectations and leading a sheltered life. I’m talking about travel within the continuous United States, not abroad. It’s a given that travelling abroad brings it own set of perils. Southerners-

Talk slower, our conversations have a certain twang,
We tend to expect good manners, we like to wave and look folks in the eye, and smile smile smile-
And let’s face it a Southern lady is going to flirt, unless she’s dowdy, plain and prim- even then, another region might bring out her innate abilities. I know it’s unlikely, but still, it could happen.

I love New York, Philadelphia and Boston; have been to each of them several times and would go back in a New York minute, yet I know I will face perils, fall in a trap of my own doing. New York is always the subject of much discussion among those of us who have actually left home from time to time.

I recall a friend telling me that she thought her taxi driver was a Sultan whose day job was to drive a cab but who surely had a bit part in the Broadway hit-Aladdin. Upon getting in the taxi, she squealed, ‘Harold Joe, ask this fine specimen of a man to take us to the Taj Mahal!’ The driver never spoke a word from airport to the hotel despite her exclamations the whole way!

Then, there is the issue of closet space in the hotel- there’s no room for her grandmother’s Humpback Trunk (just kidding but we do tend to seriously overpack) There is not even a hot plate for the Grits her mother insisted on sending. We need our space and our comfort food.

vintage old car pic- jeremy 2 Speaking of housing, a young friend was moving to New York with her college roommate, the girl said, ‘I’m hoping we can find a Co-Op somewhere in the Village.’ Let me tell you, where I’m from- a Co-Op is the ‘Seed and Feed, Barbed Wire, Bush Hog Parts, Bedding Plants and Chainsaw Blade Shop’ and is certainly not in a Village! Now, why would anyone want to live in one of those? We understand the desire to go to New York to shop– however, the thought of moving there with all of that noise, sy-reens blaring all night (ambulances), underground subways- not to mention it’s cold as kraut; we cannot imagine actually living there full time! We warn our young, if they take a wild hair and want to leave home-

You don’t want to move off up there, you’ ll get mugged, lost underground on those subways, fall off the Brooklyn Bridge and not have a penny to your name to call your daddy to come get you!’

Then, we pull out the big guns and put the fear of God in them…‘It’s just isn’t done…a beautiful young lady running wild with no chaperone. It’s beneath you, I tell you- trashy.’ To be honest, if she’s got her heart set on moving, not a word we say will be heard. She will know we’re right, when those folks figure out that Mary Jim-

Has to be waited on hand and foot,
Stays on her high horse and
Flirts- Who would hire her much less take her serious?

No doubt the food is wonderful- just takes a bit of getting used to. Still. Take Carnegie Deli. The waiters aren’t given to dawdling while a Southern lady gets oriented, situated and tries in vain to spread out-tote bag on the next chair and coat neatly folded over the chair back- Oh no, you’re jammed in there like a sardine next to folks who would rather not be in such close quarters either.

At Carnegie Deli, the waiters have no patience for a Southern lady taking her own sweet time perusing the menu, either. Here’s how it goes-

‘Hey Good lookin’ whatcha got cooking? (flirt) Why, don’t you look nice tonite? (cajole) What would you recommend? Oh, Corned Beef? My daddy likes to fatten up his hogs and beef cattle with Corn but his daddy always thought Grass Fed Beef was better.’
‘ Okay, lady I haven’t got all night here!’
Her nostrils flare, she stiffens her spine- The nerve, the very nerve, trying to rush her like that!’
‘Whaddya have?’
‘ I, sir, am a lady, however, I am willing to overlook your rude behavior being as how you are obviously so overworked- I will have a corned beef- Harold Joe, are you getting loaf bread? I think, I’ll just go hog wild and get that rye bread! And sweet tea, please.’
The waiter moves off in a huff, after shoving the little rack of sugar packets and yelling out near obscene language. When the corned beef sandwich is plopped down in front of her, it is huge…
‘Well now, Harold Joe, how do you expect me to eat all this? I do believe there’s a whole side of beef on my plate! There won’t be room left for a slice of that gen-u-ine New York Cheesecake!’
The waiter sets down the bill in short order; she daintily slides over her daddy’s Black American Express Card- He says, ‘Cash only Lady!’

She about dies. Now in the first place, unless a Southerner has established who your people are and knows a little something about your background, she goes by the looks of you; your manners speak volumes about your character. And- Southerners get very uncomfortable discussing money…

He should be able to tell by her looks that money is not an issue and her credit is impeccable;
But to be so loud and bold about it, well.. it’s just a good thing Harold Joe has that big wad of cash in his billfold chained to his belt!
Determined she will not lower her standards- her voice goes up a full octave- ‘Darlin’ would you accommodate this gentleman as soon as humanly possible?’

The mode of transporting Southerners is essential, we tend to like Double Decker Tour Buses- we always ride on top so we can see everything, waving to our hearts content- just like Dignitaries and Beauty Queens in parades back home. The peril of Tour Buses is with the earplugs– you won’t find a southern accent on any station- they offer French, Spanish and Mandarin Chinese- the Southerner ends up saying, ‘It all sounds Greek to me, I didn’t understand a word he said.’

It’s perilous for folks from the Lower Coastal South to go to the top of Skyscrapers- I heard one lady tell her husband she just knew they were up higher than Look Out Mountain, Tennessee. She felt faint right before her knees buckled.

Times Square is perilous too- there’s so much going on it’s hard to concentrate, not to mention the half naked traffic controller. He might have on patriotic skivvies and cowboy boots (Harold Joe is convinced he’s an undercover cop), but really! No self respecting Officer of the Law would be caught dead in a get-up like that in my part of the country! Broadway Shows are where we really shine…

Since a Southerner will pay an enormous amount of money for tickets to an SEC game-
Tell them they can get 50 yard line tickets (ahem, front and center Orchestra theatre tickets) They will pay whatever the price…
We might not understand the ‘will call’ issue but we do love the playacting and the crazy characters on Broadway…

After all, given the choice, we tend to love the most Bizarre Plots and Twisted Tales especially when a Skeleton clatters out of a Closet! We will always favor the Eccentric Aunt or the Crazy Uncle- Every. Single. Time! Yes, there are perils associated with leaving home… then again, we subject ourselves to it over and over again! Now, you know I’m gonna say this… Like all good Southern tales, this one is part truth, part myth and part outright lies! Hopefully, good for a laugh or two!

Love y’all, Camellia

P.S. I love Philadelphia, time would not permit my southern experience with ordering Philly Cheesesteaks! I love Boston- it makes me laugh to hear those folks say- ‘Get in the CA’… not too estranged from a Southern accent- Hah-vahd Squah…just slays me! And, I truly love New York! One of my very dearest friends lives in New York ! Hello and love you Elizabeth!

And…I have mourned, truly mourned the closure of Carnegie Deli, but hey, there’s always Katz’s!

*Photographs are obviously mine (excuse the mixed tones!) However, the two beauties by the car, and the one in the driver’s seat- belong to Jeremy Miniard- I love those vintage pics Jeremy! http://www.jwminiard.fineartsofamerica.com Go say hey to Jeremy!

Posted on August 9, 2017August 12, 2017 by Camellia's Cottage · 34 Comments

Home Going…

My father in law would have loved his funeral last week… I know, I know…he was ‘absent from the body but present with the Lord’. Still. If he could have been in the body, he would have loved his Home Going – all of it. But then I’m getting ahead of myself… Wallace Wyatt, Sr. was my father in law for decades, he lived to be 93 years old- he had a long, well lived life. He was born in Cool Springs, then made his life just a few miles over in Beaver Valley- in his beloved St. Clair County. A county older than the State of Alabama, where he served the people for 14 years as their Judge of Probate. I remember he told me once that being Probate Judge was the closest thing to the role of a pastor within our government- with duties ranging from adoptions, marriages, guardianships and of course the end of life business with wills and estates. He said that a good probate judge needed to know and love the people he served. He did. He passed this on to his son- ‘To know and love the people he served.’ This is the motto of a true public servant.

He was surprisingly well travelled for a home body. I recall when he and my mother in law went to Israel, they were in their sixties but both of them rode camels, one of the camels thanked him by spitting in his eye! For their 50th anniversary, one of his daughters asked my father in law if he had gotten their mother a gift- he replied, ‘Well, I bought her a pre-paid funeral plan!’ Of course he got her more than that! On their 60th anniversary- if you can believe it- the two of them went for a little anniversary trip to Cheaha State Park, the highest point in Alabama. She would die less than two years later. I still miss her every day. Two days after his funeral, would have been their 73rd anniversary, he went to a far higher place to spend it with her.

Always a generous man, when he worked for Alabama Gas Corporation, he ran up on a young girl who was blind, her family told him she was learning Braille. He couldn’t get it out of his mind; so he talked to his Union Brothers about her. Those men raised enough money to buy her a Set of Encyclopedias written in Braille!

Mr. Wyatt was one the Tom Brokaw’s ‘Greatest Generation’– a World War II veteran, who got lost from his unit in France… it was an experience he rarely talked about. Someone at the funeral told me that- lost from his unit in a foreign country in the middle of a war was frightening enough but my father in law ran up on a Mortuary Unit. They fed him and furnished him a place to sleep with the living and the dead. The next morning, the soldiers told him he was welcome to join up with them, he graciously declined saying- ‘Well, you boys sure are nice and I appreciate what you’re doing; a mighty fine job of it too- but if it’s all the same to you, I think I’d ruther be at my own duties then do yours!’ Can’t say I blame him.

The last years of his life were spent at beautiful Veterans Home in our county- the Colonel Robert L. Howard Veteran’s Nursing Home. When he died, his body was prepared…then- while ‘Taps’ was played, his flag draped body was rolled down a long hallway lined with fellow Veterans- standing or in wheelchairs, gave him a final salute- some with arthritic hands. This is called ‘The Walk’ and is a fitting goodbye to an Old Soldier; he would have loved it. FullSizeRender

His firstborn child was a ‘war baby’, Wallace Jr.(above) -Next, were his pretty girls- following soon after his son, Carol Jane, the next, Eleanor Kay was born 6-7 years later, the last was a late in life baby, Vicki Lynn. Then there was me, his favorite daughter in law. Really.

The first time I went to their home in Beaver Valley, newly engaged- I got ‘The Talk’… He explained, ‘Our family doesn’t believe in divorce, you’re in it for the long haul, just so you know.’ Sort of put the fear of God in me with his bright blue eyes- I nodded in perfect understanding. He restored perfect harmony by playing a stereo record – It was his favorite gospel music group- The Swanee River Boys.

I should say right here that I knew nothing about gospel music- does ‘Michael Row the Boat Ashore’ count? As the Swanee River Boys sang so smooth…I could not believe my ears! Mr. Wyatt alternately sang-All Four. Parts…

Bass,
Baritone,
Tenor and
High Tenor, have you ever?

Well, I can tell you now…I still have never heard anything like it. What I was about to find in this huge family that embraced me… they all could sing or play. In fact I was told, if a baby was born Tone Deaf in the Wyatt family- they pinched their heads off at birth!

Can I just say right here? They (the entire clan) told me stuff like that all the time, for the shock value I guess or maybe they had detected I am practically tone deaf. I’ll have you know, my children have perfect pitch! Needless to say, there was music at the Funeral for my father in law, last week- just enough and just what he’d like and I tapped my foot a time or two.

A full blown Wyatt event, family reunion, wedding or funeral closely resembles an Ant Bed, occasionally a Fire Ant Bed, depending on who’s there. Pine Forest Baptist was the host of the Ant Bed last week, for decades my father in law was a Deacon there. For the record he would have loved having so many members of his family and the folks that he claimed kin to at his Home Going. vintage women's shoes

He would have loved the ladies in sensible block heels, flats (me), cowboy boots and four inch heels- especially if they were toting a Crock Pot or a Casserole Dish- Oh my! He would have loved the food, do I need to describe it? Groaning Church tables loaded with Food were Begging for Mercy. That’s the most poetic way to describe it. The only thing that was missing was my mother in law’s Coconut Custard Pie.

Pine Forest Baptist is a small Rock Church nestled in a piney grove, the smell of pine always permeated the dinners on the grounds, surrounded by beautiful farmland. Then there was a growth spurt and a fine Trade School was built across the road….Several sent out directions to the funeral service- my favorite was:

‘Head north on 231 toward Ashville, at the crossroads right at the Trade School, turn right like you’re going to Rainbow City, Pine Forest is beside Dollar General on the right.’

Pine Forest was at capacity, there were fine suits and designer dresses, Versace ties, denim and sequins, work clothes and a few in Military Uniforms- My father in law would have loved it all. His youngest nephew, Danny- the only one who has become a member of clergy was lined up to preach the funeral, three Nieces were asked to sing a favorite gospel song- ‘Unclouded Day’ , his Grandsons were the Pall Bearers and a handsome group that was! This is a family that can put on a funeral at the drop of a hat. My father in law would have loved-

hearing his Nieces sing for him one last time,
he would have loved Danny’s sermon,
he would have loved the Masonic Funeral Rites which were done in such a moving way by Brother Talley.
Mr. Wyatt would have loved hearing Taps at graveside and-
that the Flag which had draped his body was given to his son.

Yes, he would have loved his Home Going- but most of all- I know he would have loved hearing the recording with his old friend Buford Abner of the Swanee River Boys- the foot tapping upbeat- ‘When I Wake Up That Morning’

Who knows? He might have been singing along- All. Four. Parts. As his favorite daughter in law, I would have loved that. There will never be another like him. For sure. William Wallace Wyatt, Sr. was greatly loved. He will be greatly missed … May he rest in peace.

Love y’all, Camellia

*Okay, I know you want to hear it- take it away Swanee River Boys! https://youtu.be/CVFWDnJtV88

Posted on July 12, 2017July 12, 2017 by Camellia's Cottage · 21 Comments

Summer Vegetable Stands…

I’d be lying like a cheap rug if I said I didn’t love a good farmers market or roadside vegetable stand- I like ’em for the folks who run them and the folks who are shopping as much as I love the fresh summer vegetables. It’s a good place to shop sort of slow…visit, listen and learn. Some of the best easy fresh vegetable recipes have come straight from the farm stands. And honestly, great advice- I asked one farmer ‘How are your tomatoes doing this year?’ He said, ‘They ain’t doin’ no good- too much rain, cold nights- them maters hate that- won’t get ripe fer not enough sun. But the ones we are gettin’ seem to taste good.’ Well, there’s my answer for why the tomatoes at Camellia’s Cottage aren’t bearing as in previous years! I bought a couple of green ones and several ripe slicing tomatoes. Another wonderful thing about vegetable stands, is the folks who work and shop there love food as much I do- you don’t see any dirt dauber waistlines at a farm stand- no, there are more elastic waist pants and house dresses, than couture. These are not gentrified folks- they are gentle hearted, home-cooked food loving people, no pretense, no bamboozling or nerve wracking price haggling, just good fresh food and clear prices. I bought a bag of small tender yellow crookneck squash, wanted some pattypans, they said they weren’t ready yet. Recently, I stopped at a small farm stand, it looked like rain, and the heat was stifling- I cracked my windows just a bit- didn’t want my vegetables to get steamed before I could even get home! I saw red hot peppers, rosy cheeked peaches, white webbed luscious cantaloupes, dark velvety blackberries, firm green tomatoes alongside plump red tomatoes and gen-u-ine Vidalia onions.

There were bell peppers as big as the Green Giant’s fist and prickly fresh okra- just right for a bowl of country popcorn- that’s a big bowl fried crisp with a mixture of white cornmeal with corn starch added for stabilizing the crunch- one of the great tips I got years ago. While I was picking out some Kirby cucumbers, I heard two ladies having fun with each other; laughing like hyenas-

‘So glad to see y’all back this year, how’s it goin?’ the answer- ‘Aw hon, it’s just another day at the Asylum’. ‘I know what you mean! I thought if it don’t stop raining, Herbert Ray’s gonna have me declared certifiably insane!’

A big F-150 pickup pulled up, two ladies in sensible shoes and loose dresses got out- flushed from the heat with hairnets on, followed by a big fellow who had wheeled and parked the truck just right to load…The vegetable stand owner hollered out- ‘What can I get y’all?’… ‘Well, we’ve come back to get another two pecks of those Clanton peaches! We got 15 pounds of sugar, so while we’re at it we thought we’d put up some extry for the church kitchen to keep on hand!’ Now, really, you have to love it- The fellow with those hairnet ladies had his big brown arms folded over the bib of a generous pair of overalls- he just wanted to load up the peaches so he could get back to his rat killin’. Like most men, had a one track mind. As the rain began to gently drizzle, friends huddled under cover of a blue striped canopy gossiping-

‘That Mizriz Smith, cute as a button but she don’t miss nothin’….’Don’t you know it!’…’Some hoodlums drove thru the neighborhood, whoopin’ it up, screeching their chrome rimmed tires- makin’ that car gyrate up and down, boom box howlin’…when that car back fired! Back fired I tell you!’… ‘What did she do?’… ‘Well, she didn’t take it sitting down, I’ll tell you now…She ran out waving her broom yellin’ – The nerve! The gall! Now, you’ve done it! What are y’all doin’ anyway? Ah am in the awkward position of havin’ to call the law! And you know every call you make up there goes out over that po-lice radio! This whole town’ll be lookin’ for y’all!’ Course they couldn’t hear a word she said what with that boom box’… ‘You’re right, she don’t miss a thing! A regular neighborhood watch she is!’

I bought several green bell peppers and couldn’t resist the Vidalia onions- sweet Jenny Lee told me she’d started using the milder white wine vinegar instead of distilled or cider vinegar- those sweet Vidalias don’t need to be overpowered by strong vinegar- I’m going to try it! By the time I got down to the end of the little stands… the new potatoes and peaches were picked over, I said I’d pass on the Ice Box Melons but I smelled the stem end of a heavy medium size cantaloupe and bought it…I wanted a pint of cultivated blackberries to make a Roly Poly, but I heard someone say they don’t have as much flavor as wild blackberries- so I took a pass. The wind was whipping up and it was beginning to actually rain. Time to get on home….you have to love Farmers Markets and Summer Vegetable Stands! Like all southern tales, this one is part truth, part myth and part outright lies! Well, except for those food tips…Names have been changed to protect the innocent!

Love y’all, Camellia

Adding corn starch to cornmeal for coating okra before frying has the effect of Tempura- it absorbs the excess oil and stays crisp longer! White Wine Vinegar or Champagne Vinegar has a milder flavor and does actually bring out the flavor of sweet onions like Vidalias, for a wonderful refrigerator pickle! A Roly Poly is like a cobbler but it is made on top of the stove in a pot, with small sweet dumplings- without the crisp crust- it is an old timey- thick fruit pudding made with soft fruits and berries, topped with a scoop of ice cream and served with shortbread cookies, it is a rare treat!

Posted on July 6, 2017 by Camellia's Cottage · 12 Comments

Fried Corn…

The closer you live to a Corn Field the better your life will be. When corn is ripe, you can literally shuck it in the field and eat the sweet corn kernels right off the cob. Like most Southerners, I prefer White Cornmeal, White Hominy Grits and White Corn for most Casseroles, Soups or Souffle and in Fried Corn . One of the thrills of driving to Gulf Shores, Alabama in the early summer are the homemade road signs- ‘Silver Queen Corn’… which ripens sooner in South Alabama than just about anywhere. I love to go to Farmers Markets and hear folks asking- ‘Now, when did you say this corn was picked? This morning? It’s probably almost dried out by now…‘ We do love our fresh corn, white or yellow. Hands down, my favorite summer meal is:

Fried Chicken,
Hot homemade Biscuits,
Fresh Ripe Summer Tomatoes- sliced please…
Fresh Green Beans and –
Fried Corn.

If your mouth is watering, you must have some Southern blood running in your veins somewhere. To my feeble mind and my favorite memories, this meal was top of my list of Southern Comfort Food. I would guess, unless you are at least three generations Southern, you may have never tasted this delicacy called Fried Corn. A famous chef, who returned to his home state of Alabama to open a restaurant planned to serve upscale dining with a down home Southern twist. One thing the chef planned to serve was Fried Corn. He purchased fresh white corn from the Farmers Market only to find that it didn’t taste quite the same as he recalled. As the story unfolded, he discovered that the Fried Corn of his youth was made from field corn, now grown almost exclusively for livestock feed, not for human consumption! Well, it’s even rarer to find field corn now that a whole lot of livestock is grass fed. This very accomplished chef now grows his own field corn! White Field Corn might be heirloom by now…I do know that field corn was dried and saved – to use a seed corn the next year. After I read the chef’s account, I asked a farmer’s wife, who happens to put up with my stupid questions because she’s a true friend- ‘Does anyone grow Field Corn any more?’ She could not think of a soul who still grows it to sell at our local Farmers Market! Nowadays we have to satisfy ourselves with hybrids, like Silver Queen, in our favorite white corn recipes and we have to add a slurry of Corn Starch to the skillet of Fried Corn to make it come close to our childhood memories.

Fried Corn is a Southern delicacy. It’s not the same as Creamed Corn, it’s not even close to Corn Casserole much less a Corn Souffle… no, it is made with very finely cut corn, the scraped juices from the cob and pan drippings- from panfried chicken or smoky bacon, then finished with a generous amount of butter. That’s right, no milk or cream in Fried Corn. Blessed is the cook who knows the old family recipe or owns an old Southern Cookbook with the heavenly recipe for Fried Corn! If you have a well seasoned Iron Skillet even better!

Camellia’s Cottage Fried Corn

4-6 ears of the freshest white corn you can find- on the cob still with tight green leaves and black silks.
3-4 slices of Thick Cut Bacon- fried crisp and set aside Reserve 1-2 Tablespoons of Bacon Drippings in the skillet.
1 Tablespoon Corn Starch stirred in 1/2 cup of water to make a slurry.
Salt and Pepper to taste.
1-2 Tablespoons Butter

Shuck the corn, cleaning off the silks. *Fried Corn depends on double cutting the corn kernels off the cob. In a large bowl, with a sharp knife, with the stem end standing in a bowl, with a downward motion, slice the tips of the corn kernels off the cob- it will resemble a square cob- cut the ‘corners’ off, then cut the remaining kernels off the cob, scraping the natural juices from the corn (this is the corn’s natural corn starch. Cutting the corn in this manner is critical to Fried Corn. Add Corn Starch Slurry to the finely sliced corn. Place bowl of corn, a large spoon and a potato masher, directly by the stove, to be ready to fry the corn.

Heat the Iron Skillet with reserved Bacon Drippings until the Skillet is as hot as the Black Bells of Hell. Meanwhile, not leaving the stove, quickly pour corn and slurry into the hot skillet and drippings, you should hear a sizzle. Reduce heat to low. Stir until corn begins to thicken, use a potato masher to press even more juices out of the kernels. Simmer until the corn is thick and tender. Usually 10-12 minutes. Add Butter, cover the skillet and turn off heat, until ready to serve. Salt and pepper to taste.

Crumble Reserved Bacon as a garnish if desired. Oh my goodness! If you don’t try another thing this summer, quick! Go buy some fresh plump white corn and make a batch of Fried Corn. I love to ladle some into a bowl and chop a fresh tomato on top. Sweet, salty, smoky, buttery- what more could you ask? Eat it like a warm summer soup, great on a rainy day or any day! And the next time you’re having Fried Chicken…well, enough said…

Love y’all, Camellia

*photographs are obviously mine…

Posted on June 28, 2017August 15, 2017 by Camellia's Cottage · 8 Comments

Travelin’ Abroad Southern Style…

It just wears me out that folks think Southerners don’t like to travel abroad just because we basically have it all right here…and it’s true, we have gorgeous beaches, old homes, mountain retreats, historic seaport towns even a few big cities. The South has wonderful food, friendly folks and of course our people live here- what more could you want? Well, we do like a bit of culture and gettin’ out to see the sights, and Travelin’ abroad to Europe and the Islands has always been fashionable, what with sugah plantations and finding out if our ancestors go back to King Charles the first, or whatever… An elderly friend once said her daughter was thinking of moving to New York City of all places- she said, ‘I told her travelin’, seeing the sights and going shoppin’ is one thing but why would you evah want to move up there with all of those Yankees freezin’ to death? If Ida Mae wants to travel abroad, well now, that would be a horse of a different color.’ So, while we never want to move, occasionally some of us get a good case of go-itis and start making plans. Planning ahead and being prepared is imperative. We’ve thoroughly enjoyed seein’ the USA on our vacations, this year we decided to go out of the country, let me re-phrase- goin’ out of the country- Southerners could mean Atlanta depending if you still live on the fah-rm; what we actually mean here, is leaving the confines of the United States. Cruises and tours became immensely popular when televangelists started leading tours to the Holy Land, churches began leading groups on overseas mission trips and country music stars began loading up on cruise ships to the islands. I actually won a trip to Cancun over 30 years ago; when my husband kissed the ground at the Dallas airport on the way back I figured the chances of going back were slim. Yet this year, we headed on a family trip to Cancun! (Yes, we got a deal we couldn’t pass up and it was off-season which I highly recommend there.) The grown children agreed to go with us. I began reading up on it, our hotel sounded insanely wonderful with one exception- Black Iguanas made their home on a nearby ancient ruin on the resort…wait a minute! I called the 800 number and said to a very nice lady- ‘Now, Margeurite- it says right here that y’all have some big lizards on that property, is that right?’ She confirmed proudly that they did. ‘Well, now don’t put me on the ground floor because I might die, just die if I even see one!’ She agreed to put us on an upper floor. Preparations commenced in earnest once we got that straightened out.

Plan an excursion or two. We took a half day trip to the Mayan Ruin, Tulum- pronounced, Ta-loom. We went there, mainly because I couldn’t pronounce the other one which I kept calling ‘It’s a Chicken!’ (Chitchen Itza) To my dismay, in Tulum, Iguanas roam freely, not tiny either- I wanted to squeal- ‘Kill it Bobby Lee, kill it!’ but I restrained myself. My advice would be to remind yourself that the odds of one running up your pants leg are slim to none. Remain calm, be considerate and make a wide berth around them- then keep sayin’ Iquanas are vegetarians! It was beautiful there! Just incredible, truly.

Here you go, find the Iguana!
Don’t be a nitwit.As tempting as it is to smell exotic- smearing fruit lotions, cocoa butter and coconut oils- make sure to load up with sunscreen and mosquito repellent. If anybody knows about skeeter bites and sunburn, it’s a Southerner, however before we went, I found out you can look at the Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta darlin’, look for the region where you are travelling and they kindly list- the risks, act accordingly. It is a traveler’s friend. Zika virus is a risk in Cancun, the region of the Mayan ruins and on Isla Mujeres, which was our other excursion. We took a public ferry there, rented golf carts and had a ball riding around the whole island, we even saw one of the most photographed houses in the world- you know the one that is shaped just like a big ol’ conch shell! Y’all Take Care Now– Staying hydrated is a must, however- the warnings were to drink bottled water only and make sure your waiter brings unopened water to the table. And don’t be ordering up just any old tutti fruitti drinks, just be mindful of food sources is all I’m sayin’. We found the food at our resort and highly recommended places were wonderful, but it doesn’t hurt to bring along whatever your doctor or pharmacist recommends for stomach ailments, and while we’re at it- stow your prescription medications, just the amount you need in it’s labelled container in your carryon or tote.
Take care of the family jewels, bury the silver and hide your assets. Two words- Cubic Zir-Con-ia. Do not wear the Family Jewels while travelling. Losing Momma’s Cocktail ring or, lord forbid- having Great Grandmother Shug’s pearl necklace stolen will break your heart, don’t risk it. Please call your financial institutions, let your credit card company know of your whereabouts- dates of travel, including the airports where you will make connections. Almost every place will accept major credit cards. Do not carry large sums of cash- Southerners instinctively know this, let’s face it, no other region in this country knows better than the South, that local currency can become worthless- they’re still finding stashes of Confederate money that ain’t worth the paper it’s printed on! Sometimes public transportation is the smartest way to get around; they do tend to prefer their own currency, so be gracious about it. Protect your assets, as carefully as the folks at our hotel were fencing in these sea turtle nests!
Know who your people are. Your travel documents are vital, and while I wish I could have my passport photograph re-touched, do make at least 3 copies- I made one to leave at home, one for my husband to keep and one to keep with my valuables at our hotel. Always make sure someone you trust has a copy of your passport- you never know what could happen to this important document. It just takes a few minutes to find out where the US Consulate is, and keep your passport in a ziplock bag (accidents can and do happen, in fact I keep a stash of baggies for cellphones, cash or other items.) Hey, Juliette Lowe was from Savannah, become a Girl Scout! Be prepared. If you are of a certain age, you may need to buy travel health insurance, Medicare doesn’t cover foreign travel. Buy a short term travel policy! Avoid trashy liquor laden bars and sleazy locales. Your momma should have taught you that! Stay with your group or as someone said- ‘Develop a pack mentality’ and no lollygagging or wandering off by yourself and it is always good to have a designated pack animal to hold the stuff while the rest of the pack is splashing around or being active. And speaking of language and communication- if you aren’t sure what your cellphone plan covers concerning foreign travel, check with your carrier before you leave and find out. Always know who is squiring you around, we consulted with our hotel for our airport transport and they kindly obliged. Knowing who your people are is important and that includes making sure you have the name and address of your hotel with your other paperwork just in case you get lost. Stay at reputable hotels, ask for local maps- they are invaluable. Pointin’ might be rude, but darlin’ in foreign countries, it might be the exception to the rule! Finally, have a great time but-
Behave yourself. Real Southerners are taught good manners. Remember to speak kindly, allow plenty of time for each part of your trip there and back, treat people with courtesy, be patient with difference in languages and customs. These might be the most important things you take on your trip!

The folks at Westin Lagunamar Resort and Spa in Cancun were wonderful to us; it is a well run place and in a safe convenient location, I’d recommend it to anyone! And I didn’t see one Iguana on the place!Travelling to Cancun during off season was truly a wonderful time to go. Of course there are a multitudes of tips out there, yet I hope Travelin’ Abroad Southern Style helps you have a wonderful summer vacation!

Love y’all, Camellia

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