Grocery Shopping after Vacation…

imageWhen I get back from vacation, I start the ‘wash’ and then go to the grocery store. As you know, strange things happen at my grocery store. Other people tell me they go without incident, except one friend who was asked on a date not once but twice in the cheese department! She’s a lady of a certain age as I am- so that was remarkable. I have not experienced that yet, however- today’s trip was interesting as usual. Since there was barely anyone in the store, I was sure this would be one of those rare, unremarkable trips.

I was trying to pick out some bananas when someone came up behind me and said- ‘I bought bananas last time and they were tasteless.’ I smiled and said ‘Well you know, we have to have our bananas- for cereal or maybe a banana pudding.’ ‘If you’re talking banana pudding, they might work, but the Granny Smith apples have more taste.  I pushed off thinking how tasteless it was to make comments over what I was buying! I got over to the floral department- nice lady there. ‘How are you?’ Oh fine, how are you? ‘I’m burning up!’ Really? it feels pretty cool in here to me. ‘Well, trying to work under these heat lamps is about to put me under the cooler!’ Honey, I’m sorry…have you told management?

And by the way, while you’re at it can you tell them they are out of Diet Rites? I have to get those because I’m allergic to aspartame and they don’t have any Diet Rites. ‘Allergic to aspertame?’ Yes. A guy from another cola company who was stocking- said, ‘Diet Rites don’t have aspartame? I’m allergic to it too.’ The flustered floral department lady said ‘What happens to y’all?’ Cola man said, ‘It makes my lips go numb.’ I am astounded. ‘It just causes some tingling and numbness but I’ve never had my lips go numb.’ He swore it did. Well, who am I to judge?  ‘ I used to drink these’ and pointed to an offender. He said, ‘I’ll tell you what happened to the mother of a friend of mine. She loved those, she opened a can and something hit her lips and it was a tiny mouse!’ What?!?!? ‘Yep, they wanted to settle out of court for millions- but she told ’em she’d take 2 million and a case of those colas per month for the rest of her life!’ I shook my head and thought how brave that woman was, to put her life on the line every single time she popped a can. I shoved off thinking that was my ‘incident’ of the day…no, wrong.

The floral department lady called out to me, ‘Camellia?’- ‘Yes?’ ‘Did you know that Granny Smith died?’ ‘I’m not sure I know who you’re talking about but I sure am sorry to hear it.’ ‘Well she lives over on Shanghai Road and worked as an OB/GYN nurse for …oh a long time.’ Really?  ‘Yes, there will be a mob tonight at the funeral home, she had 47 great grandchildren.’ Now, how old was this delivery room nurse?  ‘She was 94, had a good long life.’ Yes, she did. ‘And a memory like a top until the last few years, knew the names of every single one of those great grandchildren.’ Now, isn’t that something? But she wasn’t through, told me who was related by marriage to the Nurse…my ankles were twitching thinking about those tiny mice floating around in those diet colas.

She had more to relate and had  obviously recovered from the heat lamps. She started telling me about another lady who was on her deathbed. ‘Yes, two days ago,  called the family in and told them she had about 24 hours to live.’ Her daughters were horrified because for one thing- this lady is one of the best cooks in the county and they just knew she was taking her recipe for pound cake, egg custard pie and coconut cake to her grave, among other things. She never wrote anything down or if she did, there was always a critical ingredient missing. ‘But she’s lingering on, not dead yet…and the food! oh my when word got out that she was dying- offers to make devilled eggs, fresh green beans, squash casserole- the Sunday School class was providing the ham- estimates of how many to feed went out and paper products, cutlery, cups, sweet tea, coffee- then, giggles and exclamations from the floral department about the baker on her deathbed- ‘Maybe the offers of food at her wake had kept her hanging on.’ I wondered myself if the baker was waiting to hear if someone would dare bring a custard pie or a coconut cake to rival hers. ‘The phone lines are hot with arrangements- she was still hanging on but it wouldn’t be long…she’d been ready to ‘go’ ever since her husband had up and died 8 years before. Was never the same. Baked a dozen cakes and two dozen pies the night her husband died-for his wake. It seemed to calm her nerves.’ In the South, when someone dies, we can put on a funeral, is all I can say.

I thought-I’m not encouraging this…’Well which funeral home has Granny Smith?’ She sucked in her breath…and told me the arrangements, told me again that there would have to be enough food there to feed an army what with 47 great grandchildren. I thought about offering up my bananas but why send something so tasteless? ‘Well listen darling, if we can make it over there we sure will.’ I. escaped. Surely this would be it for this trip. Not so, as I rounded the corner the butcher was waiting with his cellphone open…


His daughter is married to a distant cousin. I thought he had new pictures of his 4 year old grandson, who apparently got the call to preach last year on the Fourth of July. Battling heat, mosquitos and swatting flies- a crowd gathered on the bleachers, waiting for the fireworks. This little dark haired tyke, marched to the front of the bleachers and called out as loud as he could- ‘Can I get an amen? Hallelujah! Thank y’all for coming out tonight!’  He sang, he waved his little arms, he hollered out amen and amen…he ran the rails, he called down fire. And what do you know? Fireworks started popping and fizzling- the sky lit up. Yes, he definitely had the gift. Got it from our side of the family no doubt. But this was not to be the story from the open cellphone…that’s next week…the Fourth of July.

Oh no, the butcher wanted to show me a picture of a buggy load of some of the finest steaks in the store! Someone had tried to leave the store with that buggy load the night before- ‘Well, I’ll be.’ ‘You think that’s somethin’? They did manage to get a buggy full of King Crab legs out of here- just watched it on tape.’ Will wonders never cease.

Surely this was it…I managed to get over to the dairy aisle. I felt the shadow of a man come over my shoulder.- I was thinking- surely it’s not the creepy man who asks women out on dates by the cheese. It wasn’t. He was very tall, so skinny he probably had to stand sideways in the shower. ‘Hey, Ms. Camellia, did ya hear ’bout Granny Smith?’ Yes. I. did. ‘Slipped on a throw rug, broke her nose, black eyes and everything- said some of those great grandkids were underfoot.’ Well, that’s awful. ‘Did ya hear my momma died?’ No, I didn’t. I am so sorry. How did she die? ‘I’ll tell ya what got ‘er. Cigarettes, Lard and Beer.’ I could not think of one thing to say, except – Cigarettes. Lard and Beer? How old was she? Soulfully, the thin man said ‘She was just 92.’ I cleared my throat, straightened up and said-‘Well, I hate to hear it.’ I saw a friend as I was leaving the store- I told him not to buy cigarettes, lard or beer, that he won’t live past 92. He said- ‘I tell you what Camellia, if you’ll add Gin to that diet I’m goin’ on it.’ Me? I’m switching to water. You cannot make this stuff up. image

I missed everybody when I was on vacation- cannot wait to share some of it with you! Just had to have some fun and share the continuing grocery store saga with you! Until next time-

Love y’all, Camellia

Windmill Cookies…

imageThese cookies should carry a warning from the distributor-‘Buy at your own risk’ or ‘Caution: We are not responsible for any unforeseen consequences resulting from the purchase of this product’ or ‘Has been known to cause the Don Quixote syndrome- Tilting at Windmills’.

I have not purchased these cookies in over 5 years, due to events that occurred during the purchase of Windmill Cookies at my local grocery store, until…last week. I was looking for a ‘plain cookie’- I had seen some peaches in the produce department; I recalled eating peaches with windmill cookies when I was a child. As I reached for some shortbread cookies, I saw the Windmill Cookies…my left eyebrow twitched- this should have been my warning sign- but I was distracted by a little girl who had her doll in a buggy near me-

She was softly singing…‘Twankle, twankle little star…’

A slight twinge of electricity shot up my right ankle as I put the offending cookies into my buggy- you know, you’re supposed to listen to the whispers in your life… I headed to the checkout- I saw an abandoned buggy with two cases of canned cat food, I paused, no one claimed it-  I edged ahead of the buggy- ignoring the twitching left eyebrow and the annoying electrical current running up and down my leg. Confidently I moved into the lane. I began the unloading process, when I heard a gruff voice say-

‘You went ahead of me!’

A man in a crimson shirt emblazoned with ‘Alabama’ glared at me.

‘Oh sir, I’m so sorry, you’ve only got a few things come on ahead of me’.

‘No, go on..’

‘Oh no, you were here first and besides we’re on the same team’

He didn’t argue, muscled himself ahead of me and I thanked him. I continued to unload my buggy, when I looked up- his hairy fist was right in front of my nose!image

I bet you’ve never seen one of these’ .

A whole lot of twitching was going on by now…‘Well, no-sir, I haven’t.’ It was a 1961 National Championship ring for the University of Alabama!

‘I was the captain of that team.’ 

Well, I liked to have died right on the spot.  He reached in his back pocket and pulled out his billfold- not to pay the patient checker- but to show me his picture with Bear Bryant! Lord have mercy!

‘Well, now isn’t that something’…the checker looked like she was holding me personally responsible for holding up the line! I tried, I truly did- to wind up the conversation- but he went on and on and on, play by play… finally, the checker cleared her throat real loud. I thought he might pull a fist on her, but he didn’t – just paid her like a lamb, and kept talking…the checker turned on the conveyor system for my groceries. I stepped up my game-‘Sir, it is truly an honor to meet you’– pumping his hairy hand up and down-

‘Now, let me take your picture and a picture of that ring!’ He complied- the checker was snickering by now… I thanked the Captain of the 1961 National Championship for his ‘service to our school’– though I felt as if I was the veteran here…

Twitching and tingling -I spied the offender- under my breath, I said, ‘it’s happened again, those Windmill Cookies!’

The checker said: ‘What’d you say darlin’?’

‘Oh it’s nothing really…it’s just the last time I bought those Windmill Cookies…’

I told the story. The checker didn’t thank me for ‘my service to our school’ – oh no, she thanked me for making her laugh! And I would like to make it perfectly clear that I did not blame that precious little girl singing ‘Twankle, twankle little star…’

Now it’s your turn to say- What happened the last time you bought those Windmill Cookies? Well..I found the record of it and I will report it to you just as it was written- Sept. 19, 2011 –

I went to the same grocery store, I bought some plain cookies- I usually get graham crackers or vanilla wafers- but this time I bought those Windmill cookies. I was checking out, had bought nothing out of the ordinary; beeps and whistles began to go off from the terminal. The bag boy asked the checker what she had done wrong- ‘I don’t know- it’s telling me to ask for her ID’.

Still beep beep beeping…Checker is calling the manager…checker is nose to terminal taking a closer look…beep beeping…so, I might add- are the other shoppers- all of them zeroed in to the screaming beeping Aisle 2!

I cleared my throat and said ‘Ma’am, there is not an ounce of alcohol in this pile of groceries!’

‘I know ma’am, but when I scan these cookies- it’s telling me to check your ID’. She crossed her arms. Beep beep beep..

‘Really?’ I squeaked- my left eyebrow twitched and a zing of electricity went up my right ankle. I nervously looked around for a hidden camera. In the meantime, the bag boy- turned comedian- pulled the pack of Windmill Cookies close to his face-

‘Wow these must be some strong cookies! I wonder if there’s a warning on the label’.

Beep- beep-beep! With red cheeks I started in…inappropriate laughter for the absurd situation I was in- ‘It probably says- don’t operate heavy machinery while consuming these cookies’.

Beeping – laughing- beeping, more laughing…The checker joined in...’I guess you can only have two of those cookies per day’

Bag Boy : ‘Friends don’t let friends eat Windmill Cookies and drive!’

I said: ‘If they stop you, they’re going to test to see if you have Windmill Cookie Breath’.

Laughs all around, among the three of us- the rest of the store was sick  of all the noise and beeping! I mean -the  situation could not- apparently, be improved- just go with it, right? The manager hustled over- the offending Windmill Cookies were rung up again- more beeps, more insisting on getting the ID- I assured the manager I was happy to give her my ID – being of a certain age and all…however, I assured her that there was no alcohol of any kind in my load of groceries! Now, why did I do that? At this point there was no saving of my reputation! The manager ignored me, to the checker she said-

‘What did you do? Hit the beer and wine key when you scanned these cookies? Why would you do that?’ She hit a key- the beeping finally stopped.

Dead silence, the offending cookies were bagged. I might add- the woman behind me never cracked a smile during my entire ordeal. After supper that night- I slung those Windmill Cookies on the table and said,

‘Eat these at your own risk!’.

*Tilting at Windmills: Attacking imaginary enemies; confrontations where adversaries are incorrectly perceived; vain efforts against adversaries real or imagined.

‘When life itself seems lunatic, who knows where madness lies?’      Don Quixote

‘Wit and humor do not reside in slow minds’.          Don Quixote

‘I do not deny what happened…is a thing worth laughing at.’  Don Quixote

Well, I hope y’all laughed your sides off!  We sure got a laugh out of it! And what about that crazy Don Quixote, he might have been buying Windmill Cookies! Y’all be careful and have a great weekend!

Love y’all, Camelliaimage