The Faithful, the Funeral Food and No Devils Allowed!
It’s astonishing how quickly, word gets out that Circle has been Broken. A loved one has passed from this Life to the Next. Before a tear forms, usually before the arrangements have even been made- the Faithful Food Bearers start polishing silver, bringing out the Pyrex dishes labeled with masking tape, all the serve ware, plates, cups and utensils, box graters and cake knives are lined up, even the table layout has been decided. It’s been said that, ‘when words fail us, we bring food.’
The Etiquette of Deep South Bereavement Buffet has it’s own solemn rules. Unspoken codes of conduct. Those who arrange these buffets consider it a sacred duty and it is.
Someone, somewhere is pulling out the best starched cloths for the tables. These faithful servants are the backbone of the community. They know the traditions, the foods, the rules for these solemn occasions. It’s a magnificent display of servanthood. A service for the bereaved family, friends, the community. It’s what they do. It’s the southern way. Live. Die, get Fed.
The Faithful tend to have two factions, the upper end types, who use heirloom silver, footed buffet holders for the casserole dishes, chafing dishes, candelabras, floral displays with tasteful flowers. Then, there’s the down-to-earth types, they use plainer serve ware, the best paper plates and napkins, even cups. The food for the Faithful doesn’t change much regardless of which group. Sometimes both are involved. It’s a beautiful custom. Piney Grove’s facilities often host bereavement buffets, though sometimes the bereavement buffets are ‘At-Homes’, the home of the bereaved. Someone will know which is preferred.
The Faithful are also Food Bearers and Servers. Some work mostly in the kitchen, others serve at the buffet- there’s usually a Matriarch or two watching with an eagle eye. I hate to say it, because their work is so important, but ‘don’t mess with these ladies’. Just do what you’re told, wear something decent and keep your composure.
There are rules for Food Delivery. The Delivery is done by the Food Bearers. They should Never ring the front doorbell and demand to see the family with their offering. No, discreetly deliver the food at the back door or side porch, quietly handing it to the coordinator or a neighbor. Quiet is the operative word. The Food Bearers know to enter quietly. The food should be prepared in advance, in reasonable portions. That includes the meats, the sides and breads.
There are a few Rules here: Examples include-Ham Biscuits, with thinly sliced ham, and tiny biscuits, must be prepared and covered in foil. The Pound Cakes should not be pre-sliced. Some sides may be served individually. And, for heaven’s sake! The Food Servers do not make clattering noises with ice or tongs. Also, Do not try to pile everything on the tables at once- it’s tacky. Servers are supposed to quietly refresh the platters and remove serving dishes that are almost empty. It’s always risky with the choice of Food Servers. We cannot have Mistie Mac wielding a silver cake knife, even if she’s making a valid point. We cannot have Food Servers who hold up the line with too much conversation. Remember the dearly departed, and have compassion on the bereaved family. Grief is often a silent companion. Let’s comport ourselves with compassion and courtesy.
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The Funeral Food Rules
There are many rules concerning Funeral Food. Some of it depends on whether the family is faithful to Piney Grove Church and Cemetery or attend Lone Wolf Lake Church. *Piney Grove tends to be on the upper end of things and Lone Wolf, well.. they have regular dinner on the grounds. I think you get the idea. The main thing is to respect the wishes of the bereaved family. It is a good idea to check in with a family member, so the Food Bearers and Food Servers know what to expect from the facility or the home. One group will want a more formal service and buffet. The others are quaint hometown gatherings. There are usually ‘Martha’ types who know these things, and the right things to do.
No matter where the bereavement buffet is held, there are Rules that should be followed. *You may want to save this portion.
Grief steals the energy of the bereaved. Funeral Food should feature foods that are delicious served hot, cold or at room temperature. This rule alone ensures that the kitchen remains a quiet sanctuary by eliminating the exhausting clatter of pots, the steam of heating food, the physical safety hazard is removed from reheating hot casseroles. Try to remain discreet, as quiet as possible and refrain from outbursts of any kind, in the kitchen or pantry. Yes, it’s a celebration of a life well lived; yet, it is definitely not comedy hour.
When in immediate mourning, throats are tightened, the appetite disappears. Food must be soft and effortless to eat. Dishes requiring knives should be avoided. Everything on the bereavement buffet should be easy to pick up or softly scooped with a serving spoon, even picked up gracefully with a fork or fingers. A funeral repast should be designed around physical preservation, deep reverence, and ease. Please make note of the word ‘preservation’. The Bereavement Buffet could easily go off the rails, just by using the word ‘pickled’ instead of ‘preserves’. There is an etiquette concerning the words we use, especially when it comes to the appropriate bereavement foods.
The Food is where ‘No Devils are Allowed’ This is very important! Please make note of these Food Rules. It is totally inappropriate to serve Pit Barbeque, Chargrilled or Smoked anything, foods that even hint at ‘darkness’ or are overly spicy. This is a short list:
Devilled Eggs- exchange those for Stuffed Eggs. (I know there is practically no difference- still avoid the term.) Devil’s Food Cake. I don’t care is Mary Louise’s mother-in-law made the best Devil’s Food Cake in the county, substitute- Sue Pie’s Chocolate Fudge Cake. *or get permissions from the mother-in-law to rename her famous cake, be prepared to be told ‘no’. A reminder here: No ‘Dirt Cake’ or Mississippi Mud Cake either. Keep away from anything that might suggest a Dark Grave. Stomachs weakened by grief, don’t need Anything that could cause indigestion or curdling, from the mere mention of darkness. It’s just not fitting.
Pickled Peaches. Avoid ‘pickled’ anything. Please substitute with the nicer term- Preserves. If someone wants to provide the Ham? Remind them, it must be Baked Ham, not smoked. Roasted Turkey is nice as well. Definitely not Smoked or Deep Fried. It isn’t the right fit. And there’s this: Highly seasoned dishes are considered a social offense for funeral food. Remember, Funeral Food is meant to signify a peaceful, heavenly journey- a literal heavenly repast.
These rules are to avoid a crisis of ettiquette. Remember do not use any word or ingredient that carries even a hint of the underworld. There will be absolutely nothing with a hint of H-e-double L, insinuated in the food line. There should also be a ban on heavy hickory smoke, fried garlic, heavy onions or strong vinegar marinades. These scents can linger, filling a heavy atmosphere with suffocating kitchen odors. *I don’t care if these foods were ‘his favorites’ or her ‘flavor palette’.. be aware of strong spices or odors filtrating the space of the bereaved.
It might be 95 degrees outside and as hot as the devil’s back doorknob, but there will be only heavenly glory permitted on the bereavement buffet line.
So, what is allowed? Food will be served with quiet reverence. The buffet line can have sweet tea sandwiches as shown above. I know they look festive, the point here is that even the bereaved need to have their spirits lifted, even in the heaviness of grief. Foods need to be soft, easy to digest, not intimidating to eat, instead, the food should be as effortless as possible.
Let’s start with the Dessert Table. Angel Food Cake, Pound Cake, Fruit pies or cobblers, Lemon Bars or a delicate dessert featuring Citrus, like the Southern Lemon Cheese Cake- a rare white layer cake filled with lemon curd.. these desserts act like a healing balm. It’s uplifting. It cuts right through the emotional fog of the day, offering a gentle sunny spark of refreshment to someone who has forgotten what a smile looks like or an Unclouded Day. Speaking of refreshment, make sure to keep any beverages– simple and easy to pour and consume.
But remember: Absolutely no dark connotations. Make sure the Pound Cake isn’t sliced ahead of time, and make sure the cake server is a calm discreet person while wielding a serrated knife for the pound cake and angel food cakes.
The Buffet Line. Pickup Foods first. The key word here is tiny. Tiny Tea Sandwiches, Tiny Angel Rolls, Tiny Ham Biscuits. Heavy mounds of Bread are downright tacky, not to mention it looks overwhelming to someone whose stomach is tied in knots of grief. Tiny portions look manageable, elegant and dignified. Relish Trays. Offer a bit of freshness and crunch. Again, preserves are allowed- nothing pickled or spicy.
The Comfort Foods. These are usually kept warm in chafing dishes. Let there be, Macaroni and Cheese, light as a feather, made with lots of eggs, Softly Mashed Potatoes, if kept warm and smooth. Potato Salad might be going over to the dark side. Summer Squash Frittata Squares are easy to serve, even kept at room temperature. Green Bean Bundles. A bowl of Pink Fluff, a rich cranberry congealed salad, Heavenly Hash and an absolute must, is Mimi’s Apricot Casserole. *Fried Chicken is often served. I find this to be in the iffy category. The pieces of chicken should be small enough to be considered finger foods and should definitely Not be Spicy. Make sure there are spirit lifting foods throughout the Buffet Line.
The Bereavement Buffet table is done with Honor, Comfort, Grace and should be a safe, soothing buffer against life’s harsh realities. A True Work of Heart.
Love y’all, Camellia
*Piney Grove and Lone Wolf churches are fictional. Please note: This is Southern Humor post, mostly from bygone eras.
Camellia has written about many of the foods listed here. Mimi’s Apricot Casserole is a perennial favorite, Green Bean Bundles, Mimi’s Award Winning Pimento Cheese (which frankly is too spicy for a bereavement buffet- though cut the spices down a bit and they’re still wonderful for the Tea Sandwiches shown in the opening photo) Pink Fluff is an odd combination- though it is beloved, Summer Squash Frittatas, Mary Sue’s Lemon Cheese Cake *this is Not a cheesecake, it’s a white layer cake, filled and iced with Lemon Curd.
